Getting Married
For this
reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and
they will become one flesh (Genesis 2:24).
Marriage is the most ancient social agreement
recorded in the Bible. Marriage is
intended to be a lifelong commitment between one man and one woman, for their
mutual benefit and the benefit and stability of a community (Malachi 2:10-16;
Matthew 19:1-9). When children are
the fruit of this relationship, they are to be the beneficiaries of the stability
and safety of this lifelong commitment (Ephesians 5:31-6:3). Marriage was never intended to end in
divorce, and divorce was only tolerated when the marriage agreement was
violated by adultery or abandonment (Matthew 19: 3-8; I Corinthians 7: 10-16).
Even in such cases, forgiveness and the restoration of the marriage was
encouraged as the greatest alternative to divorce (Hosea 3:1-5; Ephesians 4:32;
Matthew 18: 21-22). In light of
the Bible’s encouragement of
lifelong marriage commitment, any decision to marry is a serious
decision.
How, then, can we encourage lifelong
commitments to love and faithfulness in marriages?
Togetherness
Love always
protects, always trust, always hopes, always preservers. Love never fails. (I
Corinthians 13: 7-8)
According to “Divorce Magazine”, 45% of
marriages in Canada end in divorce (Divorce). This means that if a couple are deciding to marry, today,
there is, roughly a 50/50 chance that they could end up being divorced. If a couple truly desires to make a “so
long as you both shall live” marriage, how can they avoid being another divorce
statistic?
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Mary Fairchild suggests five very practical
steps to building a committed and lasting marriage (Fairchild).
1. Pray together.
2. Read the Bible together.
3. Make important decisions
together.
4. Attend Church together.
5. Continue dating.
Fairchild’s list of steps toward a lasting
marriage seem, at the outset, so very simple, yet how often do married couples
practice any of these activities together?
Certainly, the operative word in Fairchild’s
“five steps” is “together”. How
can a man and woman achieve this kind of “togetherness” as a couple?
“Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3)
This passage from the book of Amos emphasizes
a kind of “togetherness” that is founded upon agreement in spiritual
matters. According to the prophet
Amos, the Israelites were not “walking together” with the Lord because they
were not living in faithfulness to the Lord according to the “agreement” laid
down in the Law of Moses.
Instead of serving the Lord alone, the
Israelites were also worshipping other gods at competing altars (Amos 3: 2-4,
13-15) The behavior of the
Israelites undermined the covenant.
In other words, because there was no true agreement in spiritual
matters, the “togetherness” that was supposed to exist between the Lord and the
Israelites was destroyed.
According to Amos, then, the basis of walking together in harmony with
another is some kind of agreement on spiritual matters.
Agreement on spiritual matters is crucial in
a marriage. Faith convictions,
while never perfectly followed, still form the basis of our actions toward and
relationships with other people.
If a couple are in agreement over regarding their spiritual convictions,
then they tend to
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be in agreement over other matters. This claim is true simply because faith
convictions tend to be the convictions that are the governing convictions over
the lesser convictions of our lives.
For example, if a couple believes in a beneficent God who desires them
to love others as themselves, then that spiritual conviction is going to
underlie the numerous relationships that daily enter their lives - how they
treat their colleagues at work, how they greet the neighbour on the street, how
they treat each other - every relationship in their lives will be effected by
the governing faith conviction to love their neighbour as themselves. If, however only one of the couple held
this belief, it would be far more challenging for that couple to stay together
since there would be no agreement on this core belief. Where there is no agreement, there is no
harmony, and where there is no harmony, there is no togetherness.
It would seem that a lack of “togetherness”
on spiritual matters is exactly what the Apostle Paul has in mind when he
speaks about followers of Christ being “unequally yoked” with those who do not
follow Christ (II Corinthians 6: 14-18).
You will not be able to “pull together” in the same “yoke” as your
spouse, if you do not share the same faith convictions - instead, you will be
“pulling” away from each other on this serious matter.
Keeping your marriage together, then, can be
greatly influenced by spiritual activities that Fairchild encourages, such as:
praying together, reading the Bible together, attending Church together,
etc.... Yet, this “togetherness”
has to be first based upon an underlying agreement on the important spiritual
beliefs which govern our lives, otherwise, there is no true harmony on which a
couple can base a marriage.
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Companionship
“A friend loves at all time” (Proverbs 17:17)
One of the hallmarks of friendship is the
enjoyment that comes from being with that other person. What draws two people together into a
friendship is not merely that they agree on everything, but also that they
derive enjoyment from being around that other person. It might be something in other person’s personality - the
person’s exuberance, or seriousness, or thoughtfulness, or intelligence, or
kindness - whatever trait it is, it draws you like a magnet toward that other
person. And, because you like that
person, you want to be with that person, to be that person’s friend.
The question, then, is simple. Are you and your spouse good friends?
The question about friendship between couple
goes far beyond sexual attraction.
As our fallen nature teaches us time and again, two people can be
sexually attracted to each other and have nothing in common except their mutual
lust. This lust might drive them
together for a “one night stand” or longer, but their togetherness will only
last as long as their lust will allow.
After the sex is over, those two people might even hate each other. The story of Amon and Tamar is a case
in point (II Samuel 13:1-19).
The question about being friends with your
spouse to be is not then a question only about sexual attraction (which is a
wonderful thing); but also a question about “liking” that other person (wanting
to be around that other person once the sex is over). A couple then has to not only be sexually attracted to each
other, they have to enjoy each others company.
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Forgiveness
“Be kind and
compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God
forgave you”. (Ephesians 4:32)
Pope’s maxim, “to err is human; to forgive is
divine”, is most certainly true.
We are all doomed to err and those that say otherwise are simply not
telling the truth (I John 1:5-10).
No one but God is perfect. Call it what you will, the tragic flaw, human
weakness, honest mistakes, or just plain sin. It does not matter what tag you put on it, we all err,
period.
What does this mean to a marriage? It means that no marriage will ever be
perfect. It means that to expect
more than what your spouse is able to give is not only naive, but it is also
unfair. One way or another, your
spouse will fall short of the expectations you had for her or him, when you
first got married. The claim is an
absolute. Everyone will eventually
spy a flaw in their spouse that they never pick up on while they were only
infatuated with each other. True
love is not blind. God is not
blind to our sins and He is love itself (I John 4:7-8).
The Bible’s command to forgive is so
important because we all need forgiveness, and especially in our
marriages. Does forgiveness mean
license to take advantage of your spouses generous heart? Of course not. There is a reason why divorce is
permitted, although not encouraged (Matthew 19:1-9). However, forgiveness is always preferred by God in the
Bible.
Yes.
Some offenses are extremely hard to forgive. In fact, some offenses, even when your spouse is truly
sorry, will haunt you the rest of your life; yet, you must remember that you
also have offended your spouse.
Words you have spoken, and sins you have committed, against your spouse
will also haunt him or her even if you are truly sorry.
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Forgiveness, then, becomes the touchstone of
marriage. With forgiveness come
the opportunity for a wonderful marriage, without forgiveness your marriage
will most certainly fail because you and your spouse are certain to err. For
this reason, we are reminded, emphatically, to “forgive as the Lord forgave us”
(Colossians 3:13).
Works Cited
Fairchild, Mary. “Five Steps to Building Your Christian Marriage”,
od/practicaltools/p/christianmarria.htm.
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